The Importance of Fighting Fair in Relationships

Dating, engagement, wedding planning, and being a newlywed are all exciting times in life. Although we like to think of them as blissfully happy – and they are for the most part – you still may argue or two pop up. Yikes! Here’s what to do when a conflict arises.

This is an updated repost of an article by Rachael Eberle.

Fighting Fair with Your Significant Other

Oftentimes, unfair fighting in a relationship can tear at its very fibers, so it’s best to have a plan for fighting fair. Avoid unfair fighting techniques and have a plan of attack before you even start.

Growing up, my parents enforced specific rules in our home. One of which was that cake and ice cream do not comprise an acceptable dinner substitute. As a sugar fiend with a sweet tooth the size of Texas, I was indignant. How dare they infringe on my rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of chocolate?!? I counted down the years until I could make my own dinner choices and indulge in as many sweets as I pleased.

However, as I matured, I realized that my parents were not trying to be controlling; instead, they knew what was best for me. They created that rule because they did not want me to get sick and hurt my body. In fact, when I have children, I will establish similar rules.

Knowing how to fight fair can help your relationship. Photo: Jasmine W Carter.

Just as families need rules to promote health, fairness, and overall well-being, marriages do too. During our engagement, my husband and I took part in an eight-week counseling course called Engaged. During this course, our leaders encouraged us to establish non-negotiables and set rules for our marriage to help us avoid unfair fighting techniques.

How to Avoid Constant Fighting in a Relationship

Non-negotiables are things that my husband and I will always do (or will strive to do) or will never do (or will strive not to do). They encompass all aspects of marriage, from how we spend our money to how we spend our time.

Here are some of our fight rules:

• We will strive to ask the other person before purchasing $100 or more.
• We will strive to have at least one date night each week. We will always have at least two date nights a month.
• We will strive to avoid creating idols in our marriage, such as our children and our jobs.

Avoid unfair fighting techniques by talking about them ahead of time.

When you and your fiancé develop your non-negotiables, try to be as specific and practical as possible. Avoid using vague terms like “we will always love each other.” Even when your partner doesn’t fight fair, it’s essential to stick to the rules you’ve established.

How to Fight Fair Using Fight Rules

Fight rules apply to situations of tense discourse. When developing these, be honest with yourself about any bad habits you tend to slip into during arguments.

Also, ask your significant other if there is an area you need to work on. For instance, in the past, I resorted to a manipulative tactic often called the “silent treatment,” which meant I would emotionally shut down when I was upset. That’s definitely not an example of how to fight fair!

Keep your marriage free from unfair fighting.

When we developed our fight rules, my then-fiancé gently expressed that he felt hurt and rejected when I did this, as if I did not care enough about our relationship to talk through our problems. A marriage doesn’t work well when your partner doesn’t fight fair. So we came up with the following fight rule.

 

“We will not shut down or use the silent treatment during an argument.”

 

By recognizing this bad habit and avoiding it in our arguments, I have been able to steer clear of this pitfall and foster healthy discussions during times of disagreement. Fighting fair is a good thing to establish from the beginning.

Once you and your fiancé have established your non-negotiables and fight rules, prioritize reviewing them every few months to keep yourselves on track. Some dear friends of mine had the brilliant idea to frame theirs and hang them in the hallway to serve as a constant reminder to avoid unfair fighting in a relationship.

Playing by these rules and fighting fair will help cultivate a healthy, balanced marriage. Now…where’s my chocolate?

No one wants constant fighting in a relationship.

Are you fighting fair?

Even when your partner doesn’t fight fair, it’s crucial to avoid unfair fighting techniques. It may be hard, but having set rules in place will help prevent constant fighting in a relationship. Save our tips to keep them handy.